Thoughts on independence and accepting help
Today I went to the monthly taro meetup at the local psychic store here. I really enjoy these, because not only can you learn and gain insight on doing readings for others, but we can sometimes gain some insight into our own lives. We are able to do practice mini readings on each other, so a lot of us have questions that we can get some answers to. Today, we did some comparative taro reading where we got into groups of three, and compared the same card from different decks. Well, I asked a question that has been on my mind for about a week or so.
I’ll start with some background. I met Emma at the firewalk that we did back in March. A firewalk can be a very healing experience, because you have to walk on hot coals. It’s not as bad as you may think though. Anyone who knows about reflexology will know that the foot has pressure points that lead to all parts of the body. The toes represent the head and face, and the heal represents the lower half of the body. If you’re walking on hot coals, you’ll know where the most sensative points are on the foot, because you’ll feel them more than other parts. So this way, you can learn more about what’s going on inside the body.
OK, so I digress. I really didn’t want to go to this, because I just didn’t think I was ready. But Heather talked me into it, and so I went. I have to say that I’m glad I did. One thing Heather talked to me about, though, was the fact that the lady who was heading this thing asked at one point if I needed any help. Well, if you know me, you know that I have a hard time accepting long term help like that. I knew she already had a lot to do, and I figured I’d just ask whoever was next to me as I went, so I told her no. Plus, I have quite a bit of sight, and I figured I’d be ok. So I didn’t want to burden her with yet another task. Well, Heather said she took it to mean I was just closing myself off, and I just wanted everybody to leave me alone. Emma and I really connected, and I was looking foreword to a new friendship. Well, I went to a beltane celebration with her and a girlfriend of her’s and we ended up having a really good time. Everything started off ok. I knew she was busy, because she was going through nursing school, and working a fulltime job, so I figured we could hang out once in a while, but not very often, as she’s just very busy. Anyway, we were texting a few weeks ago, and talking about plans. She’s off on Saturdays, so I figured it would be perfect. I told her I was going grocery shopping in the morning, but I was free all afternoon. So then she texts back with an offer to take me to the grocery store. Now, I just wanted to get together, talk, have coffee, whatever. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to take care of me. I have had too many friends in the past who were only friends out of pitty, or because they had some unspoken obligation to take care of the poor blind girl, because…she can’t defend herself, do anything for herself, ect. So…I said no, because I wanted to get together to do fun stuff. When texting, it’s difficult to say what you want in only so many characters. Well, we got together, had coffee, came back here, did the taro comparison thing, and she went home. We hugged, said goodbye, everything was good, but since she moved, I haven’t heard from her. She moved into the city, so she’ll be closer, so I thought it would be perfect.
So I asked about it today. I dont’ remember what cards I ended up drawing accept for one, but two of them seemed to have something to do with balance. People draining people of energy, and not letting them. I told my group the story, and they basicly said what heather said about allowing people to help once in a while, because that’s what friendship is all about. Everybody knows that If I can do something for someone, I will. If Emma needed a massage, I’d do it. If she needed help cleaning her house, I’d do it. If she just needed someone to listen when she’s frustrated, I’d do it. So there’s nothing wrong with allowing someone once in a while to take me grocery shopping, or runn erands. I wouldn’t expect it all the time obviously, but they basicly said, “if she offers again, accept it.” So hopefully, I’ll get the chance again with her. I picked the 2 of cups, so maybe, hopefully. They suggested to give her a couple of days, and then try to call her, because maybe she just didn’t get the text I sent her.
I guess I really have a hard time with this, because I was raised to be totally self reliant, and not to burden others. I was also told as a child that I was just in the way, and eventually I’d be dead before ai was 21. So a lot of times, I feel that asking for help once in a while would just do nothing but make things harder for the person I’d be asking, and I dont’ want them to hold a grudge against me. So to avoid such awkward moments, most of the time, it’s just easier to figure out a way to do it myself. It’s difficult sometimes, but I’ve made it so far.
I would love to have more sighted friends, but I want to be equal with them, not be “taken care of” by them. I guess I just have a hard time finding that balance.