Life in the Nuthouse

Yah…I know…I haven’t blogged in a few days. I’m well aware of this; in fact, I’ve been kicking my own ass for months because I just haven’t had the motivation to write. I’ve actually got four things in mind that I could write about tonight. There’s that very public post I’ve been itching to write for what seems like forever about the things one doesn’t want to know, but should know about one Bradley M Blair, There’s that tribute post I need to buckle down and write about Ted, and what little I knew about his life. (Yah, I was pissed at him, but that old dork was like a big brother to me for a long time.) There’s the usual…”what kind of sheer unexciting shit I’ve been up to,” and there’s the one about the rather disturbing dreams I’ve been having. I’m in a rather angry mood, so I should write about post A. But…I don’t want to. Ted’s post is going to take some brain power that I just don’t have at the moment. I work in a call center for a hotline. I just got off work. My brain says…”are you fucking nuts?” It’s been about two months since I’ve written a “what have I been up to” post, and I know that’s going to be a novel. So I’m going to write about the dreams I’ve been having.
Some say dreams are premonitions. Others say they’re a way to process the happenings of the day. Some say they’re a way to figure out what’s going on in the subconscious mind. Even others say dreams are mere messages from spirits, or the universe, or God/goddess. I say…it’s a little bit of all four. I know dreams are supposed to be strange, and…well…out there, but dude, what the hell?
The first dream was about two weeks ago. My dad was alive, and he’d come to visit me for some reason. He had someone with him, a woman, but I can’t say if it was a relation, or a significant other. Anyway, he wanted me to move to Colorado with him so we could pull our financial resources together, and I could start a new life. At the same time, my friend Julie was calling me and telling me that our job was slowly and painfully going to hell in a hand basket. So, I took my dad’s offer to move to Colorado with him. That was the weird part. James and I were still together, but I don’t know what would have become of that if, in the dream, I’d actually have done it. I lived in Colorado off and on back in the late nineties and the first part of 2000. I loved Denver, but I thought Longmont left a lot to be desired. Some would say I belong in Boulder, because of the eclectic mix of people that live there, but I never did move there.
The next dream was about my friend, Emma and her friend Taren. We were sitting outside at someone’s house, and it was a summer day. I remember people swimming in an above ground pool, and me being upset, because I didn’t bring a swim suit. Emma and I were sitting in chairs talking when Taren comes over, and announces that she found a house where we all could live, but the landlord won’t accept guide dogs. I correct her by saying I don’t have a guide dog anymore. Emma says “but you’re going to be getting another one.’ Then I started arguing with myself, in the dream, about whether or not I wanted to get another dog. Then, Taren starts looking in the paper for houses for us three, and another person– I don’t remember who it was–to live.
Then, a couple nights ago, I dreamed I’d gone on a mini road trip to Long Island. No, not to stock Billy Joel, Honest. I was staying in a hotel, and hanging out with a group of friends. Someone brought Kerry, my last guide dog, to me, and said I could keep her for the time I was there. One of the first things I noticed, however, was that she appeared to be in some discomfort. I thought she had to park, but on closer inspection, I noticed she had a horrible ear infection that spread to the side of her head outside the ear. It was brown and red and bloody, and just disgusting. I remember wanting to find a vet, but not knowing how to even start looking. I didn’t even know how to communicate to the people I was with that I needed a vet. I knew, for some reason, that there was a good vet near by, who dealt with a lot of guide dogs, but I just couldn’t communicate what I needed.
Last night’s dream, most of the details escape me. All I know is that I’m about to move out of here, into an old house with a bunch of other people. I think I know these people well, and I’m excited about the prospect of living with them. The bedroom I’m about to move into, I have dreamed of before. My bed is by the window, and there’s a fan either near by or in the window. I remember not having a lot of stuff to move accept for my bed, computer, and maybe a few little things. I remember wondering if my bed would even be big enough to fit by the window.
So…Universe, What the hell are you trying to tell me? Like that robot in Short Circuit says, “Need More Input.”

So about a day or two after James proposed, I dreamed. It was so freaky that I woke up at some ungodly hour, and woke James up too. Basicly, I dreamed that I was in a room with Joe, and he tried proposing to me. Of course, I had to ask why, and he answered with some nonsense about how he figured that since James proposed, he’d give it a shot too so I could decide. I think you all, or those of you who know me well, can guess what I said. I think I WTFed for a second, and then asked exactly what the purpose of his proposing to me would be. Then, I basicly said “fuck this shit.” and ended up turning my back to him, I guess trying to go to sleep. Then, he started climbing on me, and peering over me to look at my face. I don’t know how many times I told him to leave me alone or how many times he got all up in my face, before he finally screamed “fuck you!” and I finally woke up.
It’s weird that I haven’t dreamed about him since…I can’t even remember when. Now, something good happens in my life. I finally find someone stable, and with no control, anger, or I-don’t-know-what-I-want issues, and I see him in a dream again. I think the last time I dreamed about him, I was still in my nice 2-bedroom apartment, and I dreamed he let himself into my apartment, and climbed into bed with me. Dude, get over it and get out of my head. Go find some old granny-like lady who will be willing to put up with your pious, chauvinistic, woman-hating, homophobic, religious wanna-be arse.