Life in the Nuthouse

OK, so what have I been up to. I think I have about two months to think back on. Yay! I’m still kicking myself in the arse for that one. A lot has happened; nothing earth-shattering, just a lot of Keep-me-busy type stuff, with some depression sprinkled in, but we won’t talk about that, because it’s not happy and positive, and good, right?
A week After I got back from Canada, I relented and let Emma take me grocery shopping. It was hard for me, but I did, and it turned out to be a good day. We went to the public market first, and I got lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. My only complaint is that they don’t last long. I found that if you leave something whether it’s refrigerated or not, thinking you’re going to cook it Thursday or Friday, it goes bad. Yes, Veggies do that from time to time. I can’t tell you how many things I‘ve had to trash, because I went to cook them, and they were already either somebody’s science experiment gone bad, or, something I could make penicillin out of if I knew how to. Ok, so I digress again. After that, she took me to a small store called price right, and I bought a ton of shit and only spent $44. I can’t go there often, because I have to get somebody to take me, as they don’t have customer service people to help people shop. Sucks, but whatcha gonna do. Then, I loaned her my old cell phone, because the screen died on her NV3, and I figured she’d get more use out of mine since she doesn’t need it to talk. I asked the rep what he knew about this rumor of an I-phone coming out, and he claimed he didn’t know anything. Of course he didn’t, but I figured I’d try anyway. Then we went back to her place, hung for a bit, and then she drove me home. We haven’t hung out since, because I think her nursing program is getting more and more intense. We went into the Wal-Mart where she works a couple weeks ago so I could introduce her to James, but she was only able to talk for a couple minutes.
There was lots of hanging out with Heather during that time. A few days before James came down, Heather, Renee, and I did a full moon ritual on the beach. That was perfect for me; sense I’m a mixture of both earth and water, and more connected to water. Ocean would have been ideal, but since we’re not geographically located near one, Lake Ontario was good enough for me. Heather and I also did some talking that night about things that were bothering me, and she said a lot of things that made me think. I’m learning, though slowly, about how to do this whole life/social/relationship thing. It sucks to know I haven’t been doing it right the last 33 years. Haha. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever figure it out. Sad part is that I’m socially awkward because of my own doing; shutting myself away and closing off after the whole Kathy and Leonard ordeal. But again, I digress. So the ritual was awesome. It allowed the three of us to talk and cry, and just get things out and learn to let go of people and things that no longer served us.
James came up on the 29th, and he was originally only supposed to stay for two weeks, but he decided to stay longer, as he didn’t get accepted into that course he was trying to get into, and they were giving him the run-around.
So his first weekend was spent with Heather, mostly. We had a little get-together that first Sunday for the engagement out at Cheeburger Cheeburger by the beach, and we all took a walk down to the water. Heather got pictures, and I got sea shells. The next week, we did two outdoor parties. One was something called Party in the park on Thursday night. It’s a summer thing they do, where they have local bands come play while people walk around, drink, and dance if they feel so inclined. On Friday night, we went to Band on the Bricks, which is another party-type thing they do at the public market on Friday nights in the summer. Kyle came with us, and we all had fun introducing James to Donna the buffalo, which is a local group. He absolutely loved it.
Saturday, we went back to the public market, where I got more fruits and veggies. James fell in love with these little Mexican things, the name escapes me right now, so we had to get the breakfast ones. Sunday was spent at Park AVE fest. I got one of those paint-on Tattoos. I chose one of a shooting star, but I chose blue for the color, because of my connection with water. Heather and I talked about the possibility of my getting a real tattoo, but I’m still on the edge on that one. I want to, but I’m kind of afraid of how it’ll look in ten or twenty years. I was thinking of getting a shooting star, but one that shoots through water. I love stars, and one of the readings I got recently referred to a shooting star, but because of my connection with the water element, I want water to be a part of my permanent tattoo. So, I’ll keep you all posted on that one.
The next weekend, we spent with Julie and Kim on Saturday. We needed to go shopping for Candi and Kyle’s wedding gifts, and we then went back to Kim and Julie’s place for pizza and wings. I don’t think we did anything on Sunday. He was glued to my computer for a good part of the first week due to some problems I was having. We managed to get all the updates downloaded, but we never did get my outlook express or my monopoly game to work. I guess I don’t’ need either of those things anyway, I guess. Monopoly would get too addictive, and Outlook distress, I don’t really use anymore.
During that week, Heather took us down to the beach late one night. We finally opened up the bottle of wine I bought for her last December, and we each had a glass and talked while her dog Memzy played in the water, and proceeded to soak us all. We had to leave quickly, because there got to be so many people down there, it wasn’t even peaceful anymore. We went back to her place, and got in the pool, because it was hot, and we wanted water, and it was there. She’s got one of those pools that looks like a kids wading pool, but for adults, so it’s bigger. It was great! We had fun talking about love, life, who was psycho, who wasn’t, blablablablabla.
The following weekend, I spent studying. Heather came over Friday night to help me study. She brought her friend Liza over to introduce her to James, and because she needed to be adjusted. Heather adjusted Liza, and I tried to massage the aria in question while we all talked. After Liza left, Heather quizzed me on various things for a couple hours. After she left, I noticed she forgot her phone charger as she’d plugged it in to charge her phone. I texted her and she said she was coming back for it. That led to a random trip to taco bell, and to Wegmans where I ended up buying too much stuff again. Yay for randomness.
That Sunday, we went to the Cracker Barrel for breakfast, because, I can’t let him go home without going there with me at least once. Then we went over to the Wal-Mart where Emma works and picked up a few things. I wanted to catch her on her break so I could introduce her to James, because I’ve been telling her how they’d get along since they’re both snarky and sarcastic. But she’d already had her break by the time she found out we were there. She was supposed to get back with us about the following Saturday, but never did. I imagine she got caught up with school stuff and just didn’t get to it.
The next weekend was Candi and Kyle’s wedding party. We were driven out by Tasha and her dude, and ended up staying with Candi and Kyle at her parents’ place, because the original plan was to go out to the cottage the next day. Well, Mother Nature said no. We ended up going swimming the night before, and just hanging out watching TV the next day. I finally got to see Click with Adam Sandler. I’d been wanting to see that movie since it came out back in 2006 or so. I think we all had a good time. We had a big dinner and a birthday celebration for Candi, and then her mom drove us home.
That next Thursday was the test. Heather and her friend drove us to Buffalo. After the test, I was rewarded with a trip to the anchor bar for some real chicken wings. I almost got a drink, but the others were getting regular drinks, and it’s really no fun drinking by oneself. We got home, I cried out all my test anxiety, and went to bed.
So he was going to leave that Saturday, but his mom suggested that since she was already going to be in Ottawa on that next Wednesday anyway, she might as well pick him up then, and stay here a couple extra days. He wasn’t going to do it at first. Something about how he was afraid it would be an imposition on me, and I wouldn’t get to bed until late that night, and blablablabla. I managed to convenes that nut job that it won’t be an imposition, and that I’ve stayed up later than that with him on the phone, so what’s the big deal. So he left Tuesday night. I think I’m still trying to get used to not having anyone there. I walk in after work expecting him to be there, and he’s not. It’s even hard to wind down at night before going to sleep. I think he was having the same problem too, as he was up all night Wednesday night after that long bus ride and the two or so hour car ride back to his apartment after that. Yes, folks, he has managed to get his sleep schedule back the way he likes it; up all night, sleep all day.
Yesterday, I did my first crystal bowl meditation in a very long time. Tasha came with me, and I think she benefitted from it too. Heather and one of her friends met us up there, and I hope the meditation helped her too. Apparently, there is another fire walk in October. There’s also a drum making workshop then, so I don’t know. I want to do both, but I may have to choose either due to timing or money. Yay! I’m not going to be upset if I don’t do the fire walk, because I did one back in the spring, and it was helpful. I am interested in the long crystal bowl meditation they’re going to do before, but it’s all the way in Williamson, and I don’t have transportation out there. So we’ll see. I may get in touch with Emma and see if she’s going to do this fire walk or not. If not, maybe I can talk her into the drum making workshop. I tried to talk her into coming to the ritual on the beach, but she never texted me back.
My work schedule changed again, so I’m working on Sundays now. Any hope of going back to first Unitarian church, squashed. Oh well. I do get Fridays off now, so if I have doctor appointments or any errands, I can do them on Fridays. I’m also trying to come up with an about me page for the blog, and a photo gallery. I’ve really neglected this thing, so I really need to rectify that in short order.
Anyway, I’m going to run. I’ve written a novel already, so I’ll be back soon. For those of you who are going through changes, or who are dealing with things health-related or otherwise, just know that my thoughts are with you all. Take care.

So about a day or two after James proposed, I dreamed. It was so freaky that I woke up at some ungodly hour, and woke James up too. Basicly, I dreamed that I was in a room with Joe, and he tried proposing to me. Of course, I had to ask why, and he answered with some nonsense about how he figured that since James proposed, he’d give it a shot too so I could decide. I think you all, or those of you who know me well, can guess what I said. I think I WTFed for a second, and then asked exactly what the purpose of his proposing to me would be. Then, I basicly said “fuck this shit.” and ended up turning my back to him, I guess trying to go to sleep. Then, he started climbing on me, and peering over me to look at my face. I don’t know how many times I told him to leave me alone or how many times he got all up in my face, before he finally screamed “fuck you!” and I finally woke up.
It’s weird that I haven’t dreamed about him since…I can’t even remember when. Now, something good happens in my life. I finally find someone stable, and with no control, anger, or I-don’t-know-what-I-want issues, and I see him in a dream again. I think the last time I dreamed about him, I was still in my nice 2-bedroom apartment, and I dreamed he let himself into my apartment, and climbed into bed with me. Dude, get over it and get out of my head. Go find some old granny-like lady who will be willing to put up with your pious, chauvinistic, woman-hating, homophobic, religious wanna-be arse.

OK, so I haven’t blogged about this yet, because I just simply didn’t know what to say or how to put what I was thinking about it into words. Those of you who read my twitter know most of the story, but not everybody uses or reads twitter, so I’m going to tell it from the beginning.
Back at the end of January, as you all know, I took a day off, and a nice road trip to Siracuse to take the New York State Boards exam for massage therapy. I was anxious about it from start to finish. The night before, I tried things from drinking a bunch of martinis and smernoff wine coolers, to going swimming in the hotel’s pool. I was instructed by the loving boyfriend that under no circumstances was I to study that night, as I’d been studying like a maniac up until that point. But after my very much needed swim, I went back to my room to find my roommate, emily either headed toward slumber, or already there. So I left so as not to disturbe her, and ended up in another student’s room, doing sed forbidden studying. We didn’t study long though. We ended up talking, somebody got a massage, and I eventually went to bed.
The next morning I was up, showered and full from a nice breakfast, and ready to go. You all hav eno idea how nervous I was that day. I think I was so nervous I ended up getting some questions wrong just because of that. I knew I missed a few, but was unsure as to just how many I missed.
I ended up riding with some of the day students, so my classmates showed up later, and they were all pretty nervous, and afterword, angry about how the test was written. My friend, Mike was especially nervous, as he’s hoping to make a solid career out of it.
We drove home in the midst of a nice snow storm. Mother nature had decided to freak us all out, I guess so we could forget about the test and all the questions we got wrong. I got home, called James, and balled my eyes out, thinking I was a complete loser, and that I’d never amount to anything.
Well, time went on, I started hanging with Heather, and learning magic and things, I tried my best not to think about the test or what the results would be. In March, I finally got the results. I didn’t know how to read it, so I called Heather and had her come over. Guys, I failed. Not by much; only two bloody points, but nonetheless, I failed. Heather came over and read it. I cried on her shoulder. She left, I called James at his mother’s place, interrupting family time and told him while balling. Hung up, cried my eyes out again, and the next night, I skipped the country. Granted, the vacation was planned, but still.
So, after the vacation, and all the enitial “oh shit, I failed.” I got help filling out the form to challenge the exam. Turns out that mike only missed his by one point, so he also had applied to challenge it as well, so we decided we’d ride down together. I went doan at the end of april to Albany with Mike to challenge it, and most of those questions, I just kept thinking “I’m such a dumb ass.” I kept wondering why I picked some of the answers I picked, and recognizing that it had to be nothing but nerves, because I knew the shit. I ended up challenging a couple, but I got the latter last week, and low and behold, no change. Same with old Mike.
So…we’re going for the retake in August. I’m going to study like a bloody maniac, try not to be so nervous–fat chance–and pass this bloody thing if it kills me.
I’ll go on with my original plan; find some kind of work in a spa, or something until I either start my own business, or end up in Ontario, so at least I’ll have something to show. I know I’m not a loser. I know my stuff, because if I didn’t, I would ahve failed by a lot more, and wouldn’t have retaken it. Part of me thought of not retaking it, but I kept hearing my late father’s voice saying “I didn’t raise a quitter.” Yah, sometimes it’s hard to keep pushing, but we have to, or we won’t move foreword.
So…please, I need good thoughts, positive energy, ECT., Because I’m going to need it. And…I look foreword to another roadtrip with Mike, and maybe the beatles. LOL!

On Sunday night, I decided to say hi to someone I hadn’t talked to in a couple months, because she happened to be on MSN. She’s the girlfriend of a guy I’ve known for about sixteen or seventeen years or so, who has been in and out of my life, therefore we haven’t really gotten all that close as of late. I joined an email list last year, that they both happen to be on, and was introduced to her. She and I chat every once in a while on MSN, but it’s not like we’re best friends or anything.
Anyway, this particular night, I happened to be talking about taking the boards and then about my plans for the future. I happened to mention that I wanted to first, find someone to work for here, save mone, then eventually once James gets more settled with a permanent job, move up there. Her responce went something like this: “You’re going to go through all that hard work, then go to Canada?” Of course, I said yes, and do massage once I get to Canada. Then, she had to ask if James was working. I told her that he was having a hell of a time finding work so far, and that was why I’m not in a harry hurry to just randomly jump ship. Then, she started in about how there are no blindness programs or organizations in Canada. I informed her that James was not looking for a blindness related job, he’s looking for a tech job. Then she told em that there were no job services at all in Canada, and that if you aren’t born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re treated pretty patheticly in her book. Apparently, she is of the mindset that one has to hook up with a blindness organization to do *anything* James and I are both perfectly capable of writing resumes, sending them to potential employers, and going to interviews. We don’t need some organization breathing down our backs, just because our eyes don’t work. Besides, half the organizations I’ve seen don’t even go out into the community and educate companies about adaptive technology, or blindness skills anyway. They learn from the individual person in interviews, and if they do get hired, they learn by watching them work.
This person thinks she’s trying to discourage me, because she is a canadian citizen who moved to the states, while her boyfriend, who she’s living with, works out of the home, and might lose the job he has. She and her boyfriend have told me, “Don’t think with your emotions.” When she’s the one who moved down there to be with him. Can we say hipocracy, boys and girls?
So yes, I’m going to stay with my plan, if I pass, and I still don’t know if I did, work for someone or keep the job I have now, save money, wait for James to find gainful employment, then make my move. Yes, I’m going to have to take editional tests once I get there to be licensed there, but they also might have me take editional classes, and oh, gee! I might learn something new> That would be horrible. As far as girlie, well, if she has a grudge about blindness services, or lack there of, in Canada, it’s a personal problem. But don’t sit there and tell me what to do and browbeat me because I have my own plans.

Someone put this little article on twitter a couple weeks ago, and automaticly, I thought of James. James is openly, and prowdly a geek, and he will happily tell you so. Now, I wasn’t specificly looking for a “geek” for a boyfriend when we met. Actually, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend at all. But nonethe less, it happened, and I just want to illaborate on just how geeky he is.

This list was found on the following website

http://tr.im/KSRQ

Accept for my commentary, of course.

1. They are so busy with their Computers that they don’t have all the time in the world to think about other girls. Thus, they won’t ditch you for any other girl. So, you don’t need to be unsecured.
Everytime I call him, I’m either waking him up, or pulling him away from reading about the latest technological wonder, or trying to fix something that went south, or installing something new on his computer, or his lap top, which he has installed Linux on. I never hear him say, “Talking to Jill, or bertha, or ethel,” or any other random girl’s name you want to insert in there. Usually if I do interrupt a call, it’s with his mother.

2. They are technically sound! In this age of technology, they can work with any given gadget. So, if you happen to mess up with a gizmo, they can fix it
for you with ease. So, No wasting money on repairing gadgets.
Jaws ten with Tandom has become my best friend. There have been times when I’ve had him on tandom while I was either in the shower or getting ready for something, because something went ker-bork on my end, and I needed him to fix it. There ahve been times when things have gone ker-bork while he’s been sleeping, or out with his family, and I feel absolutely lost not being able to tell him “James I love you. My tw Inbox is doing such and such.” or “James…honey…sweety…my email won’t send anything or recieve anything can you fix it for me?” When he’s here on one of his many visits, he’s finding something that broke on my computer, and fixes it without duress.

3. They are intelligent and they know what they are talking about. So, you don’t need to act as if you are convinced, when you are actually not! They can explain everything what they are talking about[mostly with solid proofs]. They can impress your parents or any other knowledgeable person with their wisdom and knowledge, not like any other Sexy looking loser.
Everytime James and our friend Kim get together, technology almost always comes up, as Kim works for the IT department where I work. They’re always talking about what they know about this or that, While Julie and I jsut look at each other and go “yah, OK.” There are times when we’re on the phone, and I’ll just listen to him talk about something linux related or server related and say yah, OK. He always thinks I’m waiting for him to shut up, when I’m really not. He hasn’t talked tech with my mother yet. He hasn’t talked about anything with my mother for that matter, as they’ve never met, but I wonder how impressed she’d be.

4. In this Computer-based world, Geeks are greatly in demand for Jobs. So, they earn quite well or are bound to make good money
in the future. So, No future worries!
Unfortunately, his line of work hasn’t yielded many results in his area, so he doesn’t have a job at this point, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been out pounding the pavement. He did work for Dell for a while until they closed his office, and made a comfortable enough sallery. But I’m not worried about the money, I’m only worried about the computer knowledge. LOL!

5. You don’t need to wear good clothes and have a facial done every 2 weeks. They don’t really care about how you look, as far as they are sure that you
love them. Some of them may talk about your looks, but it is not really in their nature.
James doesn’t care about the fact that I hate facials and har appointments every week. He jsut thinks I should pamper myself, but he doesn’t care. He’s told me I look good, but keep in mind, he’s totally blind. I think if he did get any sight he’d look at me, and throw up. Afterwords wondering why he ever thought I was pretty. LOL!

6. They will give you a gift which you can show-off to the world. Mostly, the gifts would be like the latest
Apple iPod
or the newest Mobile phone in the market. It may also be a lovely website with the photos of you and him linking to
geeky poems
which will be difficult for you to understand.(but that’s okay!). You don’t need to hide their gifts from everyone as they are not going to be Sexy looking “Undies”.
He’s never bought me any electronics, although I would like a nice new PC or a nice new nokia E71 phone like he’s got. (I love you, James.) But I don’t think it’s going to happen. He hasn’t written me a geeky poem yet, but I imagine in time, with all the time he’s got on his hands, he’ll think of something. After all, he does do roleplaying, so he does have creativity.

7. If he goes missing, you don’t need worry about Police arresting him for misbehavior, after boozing on the streets! You can find him in some electronic Superstore geeking around with the latest
MacBook.
He doesn’t normally geek out in stores, probably because his options are limmitted as far as transportation goes right now, but I imagine he’ll be doing that once he’s able to get to his nearest computer store. As it is, he geeks out on the net. Just a couple weeks ago, he was up all night dreaming wistfully about a new desc top PC he found on the net, falling in love with every minute of reading about it and thinking about it. God only knows when I would have heard from him if he actually had the chance to play with the thing.

8. They don’t really have any dressing sense. So, you can always try and convince him on which clothes to buy. You surely have the upper hand when it comes to knowing about the latest fashion trends. And, they will obey your command quietly without asking to many questions, when it comes to the Fashion part.
OK, I’ll sum this up in just a few characters. When at home, boxers and only boxers. When out, jeans that may have at least one hole in them, shirt, one black sock and one white sock. Any questions?

9. They are loyal to you as they are to their Laptop! When they say that they need you more than the RAM in their
Desktop, they really mean that they love you and need you  for their life!
James doesn’t complain about the ram in his desc top, and he has been a bit neglectful of his lap top lately. So actually, he’s been more attentive and loyal to me than with his equipment.

10. Even though their sense of romance is quite different, let me tell you…They are really good in Bed! (you need to accept this without any logical proof!
Urm, I’m not going to give any details here, but let me just say this one thing. I am quite happy with the, um, network connection, and the plugs have as much electricity as they need. Just sayin.

Our last night of the year wasn’t too spectacular. We didn’t go to time square and we didn’t do strip dances for everyone we met. Nor did we have hot sex while the ball dropped for all to see. You couldn’t pay me or give me enough alcohol for that. LOL! But it did turn out to be a good quiet dramaless night.
I guess it all started the night before when James discovered he still had some rum from one of my last visits that we hadn’t finished. We decided to start our celebration that night, because, quite simply, we could. So I think I’d had about four drinks before we unfortunately hit the bottom of the bottle. James decided at random that he was going to stay completely awake until after midnight last night. I thought he was crazy, but I knew he could do it, because quite honestly, that man never gets tired. So I was able to get a good buzz on, we turned on Jango and just hung around here until we were able to get the In Death book we were reading off of send space. He turned it on, and for the next few hours, I dozed, dreaming about Eve and Roarke, and listening to Peabuddy and McNab fighting, and me not being able to stop it. Finally, James decided he wanted to do something on the computer, so I figured I’d try to catch a few hours of futuristic NYPD free sleep. Unfortunately, I was only able to catch an hour, but I felt rested.
So we ended up hanging around here for a few hours, until his mom called and asked us to come over for speghetti and moovies. They were watching his nephew, so we knew it was going to be jsut a quiet evening. We ended up watching three moovies before I finally got too tired to even think. We watched the Hangover again, which was funny as hell. We also watched The Ghosts of girlfriends’ past. I thought it was allright. Then there was the proposal, which I thought could have been better. It was one of those moovies that some people who think stupid is funny. I actually slept threw some of it.
Today was spent just hanging around. I finally finished the last book in the In Death series, so I think I’m going to start on the Stephanie Plum books now. Tonight, we ended up going out for Chinese food with his family. I didn’t really like the food all that much, but then again, I never was much of a fan of Chinese food to begin with. Other than accidently practicly shoving James’s dad half way across the restaurant, the night went pretty well.
Now, I think we’re just going to do some computer things, and find a moovie on paid perview. I’ve only got one more full day here , soI’m going to try and make the best of it.
TTFN!

I’ve seen the whole year-end review going around LJ, and figured I’d do it, just for my own records if nothing else. I’ve had a very up-and-down sort of year, and I really don’t have any one word to describe it. So I’ll just start from the beginning.

January was uneventful for the most part. I rang in the new year with Brad, by cooking a big meal for new years day. Then After he left, I began a heavy search for a new apartment, as I wanted to move out of the suburb. I wanted to leave my memories of Joe behind, and to find an apartment that was closer to work and with cheaper rent. Transportation and rent were killing me. January also saw me bring the relationship with Joe to a complete close, as we talked about some things, and I cried. My last words to him were; “I say a prayer for you every night, and I wish you peace.” He moved out at the end of that month. That was also the month I placed membership to the First Unitarian Church. Brad finally admitted to being a “liberal” Christian, and wanted me to rethink my decision.
February saw more apartment hunting, and a week-long trip to Brad’s just after valentines day. I brought up my concerns about him not inviting me to his graduation, but yet having a phone friend from Hawaii that he’d never met, come in for ten days just for that. My concerns were only shut down by his saying we’d do “our thing” after his graduation where I would go down. February also saw frantic packing and getting ready to move. Before Bill got a little crazy, He helped me a great deal with my apartment hunting. I also began the application process for massage school.
March was busy. I moved around the first. I had a great deal of help from the church, and later company to eat the pizza I’d ordered that night. Bonnie was instrumental in showing me the neighborhood, and I found that I could walk to just about anywhere I wanted to go. Brad also came to visit me for the week of ST. Pattie’s day. Little did I know it would be the last time I would ever see him. Easter was spent at Bonnie’s with most of the possy, as Brad traveled back home.
April saw lots more nice weather, and that’s about when her royal yellowness and I started walking to work. Little did I know, her pane was getting worse. She was limping, but I just thought she’d twisted her ankle or something. The vets couldn’t seem to find out what was going on. I also, for the second time, pleaded my case to Brad about the graduation thing, only to have it shut down yet again, and to be reassured that they were “just friends.” I also went to a maple sugar tour at a local museum, with I thought was fascinating. They talked about how maple was extracted from the tree, and made in to sirup or sugar. It was also in April that I finally turned my application and everything I needed to the massage school, and was called in for an interview, and accepted. I also began getting back into rune reading, and signed up for a rune class at the local psychic store. I bought my first taro deck that month as well.
May was a very eventful month. On the first I added someone with the username of arinoch to my friends page. I’d been seeing his name around for a while, but never thought to add him, because honestly, I didn’t think he’d like me very much. He at first, struck me as someone who only had a select few people he could deal with. But I finally took the plunge and added him. He was a little unsure about me at first, because I guess he thought I had that type of personality where I’d get offended by a lot, but he finally added me back a couple days later. Brad’s graduation happened, and the result was exactly what I had feared. MS. Hawaii arrived and spent ten days in Tennessee with him. He only emailed or called three out of the ten days, then went over a week without contacting me at all before emailing to tell me he wanted to take a step back from our relationship, because they wanted to try dating. I can’t tell you how devastated I was. It was then that I finally told him I loved him for the first time, but to no avail. He had his heart set on this woman, and I knew it was only a matter of time before he would regret it. Arinoch, AKA James saw me through all of this. Brad and I hadn’t broken up yet when I added him, so I think he was just as surprised as I was. We had chatted a couple of times before, but after the breakup, we got closer. I was surprised, because I don’t normally expect someone who doesn’t know me from Adam wanting to hear all my drama and problems, but I realized that when I found him on LJ and added him, I had struck a goldmine. I liked talking to him, because he was well grounded, and helped me to think practicly about things. He was also a good ear, and listened to everything I had to say. It also helped that he was funny, and no matter how sad or depressed I was, he made me laugh so I wouldn’t think about it for a while. It was also that month that Lisa from GEB came, and informed me that I might have to think about retiring Kerry. She was slowing down a lot, and even though Lisa didn’t notice the limping, I still did, and it bothered me. So three days after Brad left me, I got the threat that Kerry might leave me too, and it hurt more than I could ever put into words. Again, James was a comfort; Staying up with me all those late nights, talking on the phone just because. I also finished my rune class that month.
June was when Kerry finally left me for good. Lisa came to work to get her, and I also said goodbye to Larry that day. Apparently, Larry had limes Disease, and Joe couldn’t afford the tests that they would have to run, so he just left him at the vet’s office and told them to call GEB. James took some time out of his work day to call me on my break to make sure I would be ok, and just to be there if I needed to cry. It was then that I finally confessed to having strong feelings for James, and at the same time feeling like scum, because I had been dumped on my arse by someone only a month before, but was falling for someone else already. Plus, I thought I was crazy, because I’ve never done the whole on line dating thing, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it. I thought I was crazy. I’d kind of been wondering, or “what if”ing before Brad and I broke up, but since I was still with Brad, I obviously didn’t do anything about it, because I’m loyal. OMG! But I did dream, and wonder, and then try to put it aside. LOL! But with the help of gentle urging from Bruce who has been a good friend for over a year, I was finally Honest with James one night, and told him that if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, I would understand, but I thought of him as more than a friend and had for a while. He told me he felt the same way, and our conversations took a completely different turn. Brad emailed me at the beginning of June with this very perfunctory email about how he was starting class, and how was I doing. I didn’t write him back. I also applied for my passport at the beginning of that month, because I had actually planned to go to Toronto to visit a few girlfriends I had up there, or to visit Tammy, my old roommate at GEB, for a while and meet her son. I also got the notice that the commission was going to help pay for half my tuition for school. I also began questioning my friendship with Bill. He blaimed me for Brad’s breaking up with me, and told me not to scare James away by expecting him to be with me and me only.
July was probably one of my favorite months. James and I, knowing we were starting to like each other very much, had decided we were going to try the meeting thing. I don’t have to tell you how nervous I was, meeting someone for the first time, in a completely different country, no less. It was my first time going anywhere outside of the US, and my first time meeting him. I was a nervous reck the week before I left, but also excited all at the same time. He helped me purchase the ticket, because the nut bars down at my local greyhound station couldn’t find any trips for me. On or around the 25th or so, I was off to Ottawa Ontario, Canada for the first time. The meeting was beautiful,, and I will remember it until I die. We hugged at the bus station. His cousin and her husband brought him to meet me. Then, the plan was to go straight to his parents’ house from there. I was pretty nervous about that too. I hadn’t even got used to being in the same room with him, and I was already meeting his mother. But it all turned out better than I expected. We got to his mother’s place, and after she took us out for brunch, we got back to her place and I needed to take a nap, because I’d been up all the day before and all night. It was in his parents’ room that we kissed for the first time, and he told me he loved me for the first time. We made it official that we would be a couple. The whole trip was beautiful, and it only strengthened my feelings for him. He wasn’t just an LJ or IM account anymore. He wasn’t just a voice on a phone anymore. He was a real person with real thoughts feelings, and a real heart. Before I left I got a call from Brad. My prediction had finally played out. He had regrets about what he had done, and had ended things with the exotic Hawaiian, and wanted to talk to me again. I told him not to contact me anymore, after telling him that not only did I lose him, I lost Kerry too. I was in Canada when I found out that it was official that I would be retiring Kerry. I found out that she had arthritis in her elbow. That explains why she was limping and slowing down. I was glad to be with James, because I didn’t have to go it alone.
August started out with my being in Canada. I finished out the trip at the beginning of August. When I got back, we had two new people hired on at work, and I became close with one of them. Her name was Tasha, and I found that I liked her personality, and even though she talks up a storm, she can be fun to hang with as long as there’s no drama. I also found out that month that Kerry was adopted out to a family in North Carolina. I was, and still am, upset that I had to find out through my puppy raiser rather then GEB. James came down to visit me at the end of august, and again, the visit went very well. He was here through laborday week. I introduced him to all my friends, and they all loved him. Brad and I finally had the talk. I got the closure I needed, and I told him about James and how happy I was with him. I don’t imagine he was too happy, but he’ll deal. He always does. But he wanted me to come down to Champagne so we could “start over.” I can’t imagine ever doing that, because I knew I’d never be able to trust him again. It’s hard enough for me to trust people as it is. I also began preparing to start school that following month, and did all the goofing around I could before classes started. Oh, and, we can’t forget John Michael, the crazy Scotsman.
September started with James at my place. He left on the seventh, and I started classes on the ninth. I spent that month getting used to the whole student thing again; classes, homework, ect. We started doing massages, and the first time I did any work, I was so nervous. That was also the month I became Love Doctor. People started coming to me with their relationship problems. I also got back in touch with Candi. She emailed me one day while James was here, and told me the whole story about Brad and who the girls were that he was messing with, and I was able to put that to rest as well, and we’re friends again. I’m glad she’s local again too.
October, saw more school and work, and thirteen-hour-days. On the eleventh, I went back to visit James for Canadian Thanksgiving. I got to spend more time with his parents. I think they are ok with me and us, or at least his mother seems to be. Because of class, I could only take a long weekend. But it was well worth it.
November, he came down for our thanksgiving, and we had the actual dinner at Bonnie’s. There was still more thirteen-hour-days, more relationship counseling, and I almost got into a fight. Good times! I also began doing more full body massages, and screwing up along the way. But I’ve got a great instructor and assistant to get me through it. My class mates were and still are, awesome. I Failed a sweedish test, and even though I was upset about it, it was a learning experience.
December has been good. I went to be with James for Christmas. I was supposed to go to Vermont to spend time with my grandmother, who I haven’t really spent quality time with in years, but she was so indecisive, and eventually decided that she was not going to even be in Vermont for Christmas. So I went to be with James. There’s been some family drama going on in the Vermont branch of our family, so maybe it’s better that way. The trip was good. I spent more time with his family again. I met more of his cousins and extended family as well. I even broke the ice on Christmas eve when I accidently spilled someone’s drink into the veggie tray. Everybody teased me good-naturedly, and I was able to open up and relax. James was supposed to come back with me for new years, but his finances said no. At the beginning of the month, I took my practical exam for student clinic, where I had to do a complete full body sweedish massage. I barely passed it, but at least I passed, and I know what all I need to work on when class starts up next week.
So the future? Well, I don’t know aht that will hold, and I’m not going to make predictions. I can tell you what I want, but I really don’t know if it’ll happen. I do know that I still have inner struggles I need to work through; trust, fear, communication, ect, and I want to be able to let those demons go. I know it’s not going to be an overnight thing, but it has to happen, or I’ll never truly relax and enjoy my life and the people around me. I guess that’s all I want for the new year. Well, besides getting through massage school. I will graduate next December, and I’m going to do everything I can to make that happen.