Life in the Nuthouse

Ok, so tomorrow’s the big day. I become faithful student again. I’m not sure what to think. I haven’t sat in a class room in twelve years; since I made my failed attempt at college back in 1996. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, so I played, and eventually, I just gave up. I always thought I would never quit, but unfortunately, I inheritted my mother’s ability to, um, like, not finish what’s started. Can we say both her children, boys and girls?
Basicly what this boils down to is, I’m scared to death. I’m afraid I’ll fail, or get burned out and just quit, just like I’ve done with everything else in my life. I’m afraid I won’t understand what’s taught, and just quit out of frustration. I’m usually a fast learner, but when it comes to science, I never was good at learning all the scientific terms and concepts. I guess I should have thought about all that when I decided to do this, but I was so hell bent on going to school, because, I guess I figured it was the only way to “be somebody.” Don’t get me wrong. I want to do this. I’ve always been into the alternative healing scene, and this is a start. But I’m scared to death that I either won’t understand it, or that I’ll just get burned out. I’m also afraid that once I do get out, that I won’t be able to find work. I want to start out working for someone to gain the experience before doing my own thing. So I guess I’m afraid that I’ll end up back in a call center, or doing front desk work instead.
I guess that’s why I always say I “have to get through this.” I worked hard to get the funding, and the books in accessible format, so all that work has to pay off somehow. the good thing about all this is that I have supportive friends, a supportive partner, and a good school behind me. they even found an assistant for me, and I never would have even thought of asking for that, as I didn’t know what the classes would intale. So I guess, with all that, I can’t go wrong. But I can’t depend on outside influences to get me through. Ultimately, It has to be me in the end, who makes this work. I don’t want a repeat of the college fiasco, and I hope there won’t be, because now, I know what I’m shooting for, whereas then, I was nineteen, inmature, and had absolutely no clue.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope I can muster up the courage and the motivation to do this, and do well, because I want to, for myself, as well as those I want to help eventually.